Last year, I wrote a couple of blogs about how I was coping with depression. I wanted to be as open and as frank as possible about it in the hope that others may read it and maybe take something away from it when they realise that they are not alone with it at all.
At the beginning of this year, I started to feel a bit better about myself and I started to accept things for what they were. I knew the depression was still lingering there somewhere as I had tried to come off the medication only to find I really was not ready for that at all.
I've talked about it as much as I can but in all honesty, I thought I was on the road to recovery. What happened recently made me realise I was far from it.
Last week, I did something that I never thought I would do. I gathered up a load of painkillers, ready to take an overdose. Something inside me though made me reach out on Facebook, pretty much declaring what I was doing. I still don't know why I did any of this to this day but I woke up that morning feeling 100% alone. Now I know fully well, I am not or never alone but depression can make you feel that way and it's a horrible thought to have. I know fully well that there are at least 100 people I could have called to tell them what I was thinking and what I was going through and they wouldn't have judged me for it.
All I could think was that; "I'm on my own, and nobody want's to be bothered by my problems at all". I also felt like everything I did was hurting people, which again I knew was not true. Once you've got these thoughts in your mind though, it's so difficult to shift them. I was in floods of tears and nothing I could do would change my mind about what I wanted to do.
Instead of taking those tablets though, I just lay there with them next to me on the bed. My phone was going crazy, call after call, message after message.... for someone who was convinced he was alone, there sure were a lot of people trying to contact me, but I could not pick up the phone at all. I don't know why still. I felt stupid and I just wanted to escape from it all.
Then, I heard my friend Paul turn up and he was trying to break the door down. Something inside me snapped and I just went and let him in. I went back to bed and just lay there again. My mom and dad, Emma and the police all turned up roughly around the same time. I felt ridiculous. Ashamed to be that person. I have no idea how or why I got to the state that I did but I had wound myself up that much, I was a mess.
The police called for paramedics to come and check me over which they did and they took me to hospital. Unfortunately as there was a 7 hour wait I stupidly got up and left and went home. I couldn't bare the thought of sitting somewhere for 7 hours on my own. It probably would have put me back in that place again.
Since then, I have booked a counselor to see and also I have spoken to a Dr about upping my medication again. I'm not sure what the meds are going to do as I feel like they didn't do enough to stop this happening anyway but it's worth trying. I'm looking forward to seeing the counselor though as I want to be able to try and get to the core of what the problem is.
So how has this all resurfaced? Last year I think it was the direct result of my own Mother having breast cancer and going through the treatment. But she has finished that treatment now and has made a wonderful recovery. So what's happened this time? Nothing is the answer, I can't get to the core of it.
I am currently going through a separation with my wife, that probably is bringing on stress in terms of having to move out, find somewhere new, make new arrangements etc.
Work wise, I am busier than ever, so that might even be a bit more stress than I am used to.
There are people that I speak to about the way I feel, they know who they are, I don't really want to name names as they are confidential but it does help me to talk. It helps me also to know that there are other people out there going through the same things as me. It also helps me to try and help other people. Which might sound ridiculous but focusing on helping someone else overcome their problems gives you a sense of worth and also makes you identify with your own problems too. It can be a lot clearer to see when someone else is going through it and you can step back and think, that's what I need to do in order to help myself.
Another thing I need to tackle is drinking, it's a problem and I do have a problem. I'm not saying that I am an alcoholic as I do not believe I am but when I drink, I drink a lot and it does not help me out mentally the next day. So from hereon, I am going to take people's advice and I am going to make some serious cutbacks. Writing this down here, makes it a lot more official for me.
Lastly, I would like to make apologies for all those people that were scared about what I potentially had done last week. I should not have put you through it. Some people were in worse positions than others. I know Luan (my daughter) was particularly distraught and I feel terrible for putting her through this as no girl of that age should have to experience that. It was a mistake, it was stupid and thankfully it has also woke me up to realise that I have a lot more going on for me than my own mind lets me think I do.
I would encourage anyone that thinks they are having problems with depression to reach out ASAP and ask for help. Whether it be me, or someone professional. Also, if you think you know of someone who might be going through this, ask them if they are OK and then ask them a second time to make sure. Get them help if you think you are getting nowhere. You might just save their life.